by Heidi von Tagen
I keep a lot in.
I used to think it was noble and strong, the right thing to do, even when you are pushed. turning the other cheek takes incredible strength.
I used to think being strong meant being quiet and & “taking it on the chin”, even when people who were mean, ignorant and wrong lashed out at me.
I thought I was being heroic.
their stories formed my world, my perspective, my view…inspired me and made me want to be like them.
heroes from greek myths, noble heroes, super heroes…people who against all odds stood up against the current when they had to for the “greater good”.
Saints and legends, from the story of Jesus to the story of Batman, they were so noble, they took it on the chin from everyone. No matter what happened, how they were treated, what injustice came their way, they pushed through it.
I decided that should be what a person should aim for, that is the strength of character a person should strive for.
somewhere along the way I missed something though.
I guess I thought it was noble to keep in anything bad or ugly, to protect even the villian from shame by not confronting things that were wrong.
I shut down when I have to face demons. I’ve combatted them with nice-ness.
I could probably nice someone to death.
not very heroic actually.
some things in my past have become a weight upon my chest.
a ghost on my back.
even when I am right or have a reason or a point, I can’t say outloud what I want to say.
I lock up.
I shut down.
I don’t stick up for myself very well at all.
but I’ve finally found my voice.
I can write.
I can express myself with eloquence in the words that pour through my fingertips..,
and now I’m writing down the bones.
skeletons in closets are not as intimidating when you see them in black and white.
I’m shining a light on them by writing them down .
in any good story about a hero, whether or not it’s a mythic legend or an ordinary housewife, the hero has a choice to face the darkness or be consumed by it.
maybe a hero can use truth and story as a weapon of defense;
a super power.
I’m putting the words in order.
remembering my story and clearing out the demons from the past, putting them on paper is opening me up to see with even more clarity who I was and how I got here and why I believe what I believe and do what I do and how I have become who I am now.
I’ve been careful and polite for a long time. I”ve taken the path of least resistance my whole life and it has haunted me.
it’s about time to be my own superhero.